Woman Interupts Man's Conversation

Saturday night fun at The Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden in Astoria was soured last weekend, after a woman interrupted a man's conversation. Insisting that she had something to add to the discussion, Sue Funke (pic center), took it upon herself to inject her opinion into the debate between two men. "It was totally out of order" replied Joe Powers (pic right), "She had no right to cut in and just start talking about something completely different. I think this says a lot about woman"

Sue Funke was ejected by staff and banned from the premises based on the Non-Interruption laws of 1895. "Oh my god I'm totally fighting this" Sue has claimed, "They were talking about how much they like the new refurbishment of the beer garden and I'm from GARDEN city long island which is like a huge coincidence and that how my uncle used to live in ASTORIA but moved in with his cousin, eeeww, and they had like a kid or something and put her up for adoption before moving back to GARDEN city and lived on the same street as my parents who were total BOHEMIANS which was again a TOTAL COINCIDENCE."

Upon being told why Sue Funke interupted, Joe Powers responed "You see, this is what I'm talking about."

The management of The Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden have since issued an apology to Sue Funke as it is now 2008 and not 1895.

I Am Terrified of/Hate Clowns & Magicians

Below are Images of people who chill me to the bone, these captions are what they are saying to me in my mind.


"Im going to shoot myself out of a cannon and into your nightmares. Then I`m gonna fuck you up"


"Of course your going to die! The rabit told me so!!"


"This wig covers my exposed worm ridden brain! Thats how I control what you do"


"You like card tricks? Heres one...Aaargh!!!!Die!!!"


"If I paralyzed you with hypnoses, which I can do by the way. This bird would eat you in a matter of weeks, but you would die and stop feeling pain near the end of the first"

Chevrolet Camaro to Renew Production in 2009

After production was cancelled in 2002 Chevrolet decided to bring back the Camaro as they discovered that New Jersey Guido's had not gone away.

Michael Richards Apologizes With Help of African-American Yoda

"Give in to the dark side and Racist you will become"



Laugh! You know you want to!

Vegetarian Clairvoyant Speaks to Dead Through Tofurkey

"I am the Jim Gaffigan of Paranormal Phenomena"


Charles Buntz is currently dazzling the nation with his powers to communicate to the dead through food. A gift he realized he had when he was just 12 years old after staring at a Creme Brulee for 20 minutes at a french restaurant. "I just want to make people happy, not many people know this but Jesus himself often communicated with his father through a Fig". Buntz also claims that Tofurkey and Bananas are a favorite due to the best connection and fewer dropped calls.

Me and My Mate Simon Making a Porno For $56 inc. MetroCards

An Officer and a Gentleman...and a Donkey and a Midget and a Transsexual


Movie Summary:

Boy meets girl, girl was really a confused boy but then the first boy was actually found through DNA testing to be a girl so it worked out okay. They perform a multitude of sexually horrific acts upon the other, one almost dies but doesnt, the other wants to die but then has orgasm but will die later anyway.

A penis shaped vagina drives a dildo shaped car through a wall of limbless hermaphrodites before exploding into fallopian tubes

Film ends when lead character "Rock Hard" finds time machine and travels back in time so he can masturbate while watching himself in the third person perform the debauchery as described above.

Moral of the movie:
Don't respect women or make a commitment because there will always be something better around the corner and grass has been scientifically proven to be greener elsewhere.

My Message to Pumpkins.........

I have come to the conclusion after seeing my neighbors decorate their houses for Halloween that Pumpkins are the angriest of all the vegetables.



Chillout!!! Of all the Cururbita Cucubitaceae I know, your the most delicious...as a soup OR as a seasonal ale!!

UN Threatens North Korea With Trade Sanctions

Items topping the list are metal badge polish, shoe lifts, red trouser stripes and extra small condoms.



...and Orthopedic Shoes.

Life Now 33% Complete

I just turned Thirty recenty and was informed by my girlfriend that in dog years I`d be dead!

I have now begun counting backwards to the below event..

Cat Chokes to Death on All of its Nine Lifes While Napping

Why?....Because its called life is why!!

Beyonce Knowles Beefs Up Security

Due to constant harassment from male fans while promoting her latest album, Beyonce Knowles has traded in her security detail for a more effective approach. She has currently hired Two Cock Blockers

Pope Benedict XVI on Crusade

Pope Benedict XVI 3.9L Turbo Engine w/ 385 Brake Horse Power is to meet with top Muslim Envoys later this week in a bid to sit down face to face and share mutual respect for each others invisible friend.



Also being discussed on the agenda will be The Tooth Fairy, The Boogey Man, Santa Claus and Space Aliens.

I Say Young Man, Chirp Chirp!!

A new Species of bird was discovered during the week in upstate New York. Scientists are saying it's in a class of its own which they are now calling "Upper Class". It differs from other birds by being more right wing, flamingly homosexual and generally acting like it thinks its better than everybody else.



It can be distinguished from other birds by its "Smokers Chirp"

Not one of my best but I just cant stop laughing at this picture!

Outsider Observations

Below Irish News Anchor Ann Doyle discussing downed power lines in a Dublin suburb. If you don't understand what's going on it's your problem.



Below Average Fox News headline reaching out to the lowest common intellectual denominator. If you don't understand what's going on there is no hope for you.

Bionic Arm Provides Hope for Amputees

Scientist's define "Hope" as awkward bumbling inadequate limb performance that embarrasses able bodied people at dinner parties and such social occasions

Side effects of using a Bionic Limb to bend a usually unbendable object for example, will result in it being done so in slow motion to the sound of “Dicka - Dicka – Dicka – Dicka…….”

Teacher Won't Shave Until Bin Laden Caught

Gary Weddle told CNN that he won't shave until Osama bin Laden is captured.



His wife Tracey Weddle says she won't stop freaking men out with her weightlifting until her husband starts shaving again.

Photograph of American Soldier in Afghanistan on CNN website Looks like My friend Anthony from Freeport, Long Island but isn't.

Anthony is currently informing family and friends that he is not in Afghanistan but is in fact still working on a construction site in Queens, for his uncles construction company.

Govenor Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Steve Irwin's Sole Pallbearer

"I`ll Turn Stingray From Dangerous Species to Endangered Species"



The burial will involve a small church service attended mostly by workers from the local Khaki Pants factory. Then Arnold Schwarzenegger will turn his minigun on the ocean for an hour and forty five minutes

Paris Hilton Has Complete Vaginal Collapse

Hilton Double Booked



Doctors currently treating Paris Hilton for a mystery illness have discovered a new condition that occurs when a women sleeps with more men then their genitals can handle. Doctors have named this condition, "Parisitus," a situation where all muscles begin to collapse and gradually make the vagina resemble the mask from the movie "Scream."

Metrosexual Iranian President Builds Fabulous Storage Facility

President Describes New Buldings as "Oooohhhh Wonderful"



Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has begun building three warehouses to store future nuclear missiles in spite of UN opposition. He has labeled each warehouse "For the Jews", "For the Christians" and "Miscellaneous Bigotry"

JonBenét Ramsey Case Still Unsolved

John Mark Karr Free Due to Loophole in Law



John Mark Karr Free Due to Loophole in Law

More importantly, there still seems to be no law that prohibits parents from dressing their 6 year old daughter like a whore, and parading them around pageants in front of old men while living at a residence that has 38 known registered sex offenders within a Two mile radius.

Musical Shoes Hit Big

Heart String Tugging High Heels



Clarkes, Europes largest shoe maker has released a new brand of high heels that play "The Sad Walking Away Song" from the 70`s TV show "The Incredible Hulk". Made for women, they are to be utilised for the aftermath of a nasty arguement with boyfriend. The girl then walks away all depressed and hurt. Tapping a trip switch with either big toe will trigger the song to be played on 30 Watt rear facing speakers hidden in the ankle strap. This according to Clarkes, accompanied with a sad over the shoulder glance back will melt any man`s heart and appology will soon follow regardless of who started the fight.

Above is a picture of my girlfriend Marisa abusing the heels to obtain a free spanish dinner and/or cuddly toy.

Split the Rent Double The Anxiety

ROOMMATES MADNESS


This is my former room mate John who was mentally unbalanced and suffered with Alcoholism. Most people thought I put up with him because he was a fellow Irishman. Wrong! He scared me! I wanted him to leave but was afraid to ask. Above is john having a costume party in the apartment, on his own......Its not even Halloween. Its February 25Th!! John had great skills in drinking, playing the Bass Guitar and was a cracking shot with a Rifle. Multitasking the drinking & Shooting was not a skill he possessed. Several horrifically injured deer and other such game that survived although somewhat traumatised in upstate New York is evidence of this.

When I kicked him out (changed the locks while he was away at work) due to non payment of rent I went through his stuff to see what I could sell. I found a used fake vagina. That says it all really.

William Shatner Arrested at JFK Airport

Capped & Corked



William Shatner was arrested earlier today after causing an incident onboard an American Airlines flight bound for New York. After twisting his body upwards, creating wild hand gestures and frightening passengers by indicating to his seat window with bug eyed bewilderment, he eventually grabbed an air steward and screamed "There's..........SOMETHING....On the wing!!"

Shatner is currently being questioned by authoritys although many believe alcohol consumption to be the cause of todays outburst. Another passenger claimed he was "Shat-Faced Drunk" at the time

I'm Not Anonymous, My Name Is Colin Dempsey

One Legged Exhibitionist Displays Leg Shaped Penis Skills

Internet Bursts into Flames

INTERNET ON FIRE



Kate Burns of London, was charged with Cyberspace Arson yesterday after she purposly attached a frozen explosion see above to a smoldering Resume and emailed it at superheated temperatures to the Human Resources Department at a British Petroleum Website. After spending the night in a Spam Filter all hell broke loose as an early morning employee opened it and had her face flash baked. The cyberfire then spread throughout the system torching everything in its path. As the World Wide Web battles the blaze Amazon.com, Myspace, and Itunes have since evaporated and all porn sites are currently being evacuated. Below is a picture taken from space and shows the extent of the fire as it reaches all corners of the globe.

Long Island Expressway Moves Backwards

TRAFFIC WATCH



A photpgraph showing the Long Island Expresway moving backwards was deemed authentic by officials yesterday. Apparently it is due to "Paracycloptic Inversion" a growing concern which happens when tailgating reaches a tipping point and causes a traffic jam to fold backwards on itself at the sub atomic level. Although extremly disturbing to watch, people in transit will notice nothing and side effects are rare. Only two cases of which have been noted and included a "Burst Chest" and "Twisted Ribs".

Earlier this morning The Southen State Parkway was sexualy assaulted by a man carrying a Sponge Hammer at exits 23, 24A and 26. Commuters are told to make alternate routes

Colins Driving Tips: Cant afford a Car Alarm! Dont worry! After parking your car in a dodgy neighbourhood place a fake pair of legs out from underneath your vehicle and sprinkle some repair tools around.

Killer E. Coli Outbreak Spreads

Health officials have discovered the source of a multi-state E. coli outbreak to be bagged spinach.

In other news, Popeye was found dead at his house boat in San Francisco this morning. His wife, Olive Oyl, said he switched to bagged spinach later in life, claiming he hadn't got the, "Muskles t'open da cans n'more!! Ak! Ak! Ak! Ak! Ak! Ak!"

A Great Talent Leaves Us

BENTO, THE ALBINO KANGEROO DEAD AT 67YRS



Bento, an Albino Kangeroo that was originaly part of the Siegfried and Roy Team before being ousted at the last minute by "Ice" the Albino tiger, passed away peacfully this evening in his hometown of Kalgoorlie, Western Australia. Bento who could Box, Dance, and had 15 Cubic Gallons of storage space in her front pouch performed with the magic team in the early days around the streets of Berlin, Germany. Times were hard but Bento battled not only predudice due to her lack of color but also homesickness. She was dropped Ten days before their first contract was to be signed stating that Siegfried and Roy wanted to bring an edge to their show and pulling rabits from a kangeroos pouch just wasnt cutting it. Siegfried and Roy also accused Bento of being a Holocaust Denier to the dismay of her trainers. Bentos life long Vetenarian, Bob Cooper, had the following to say " Its a shame to see a great talent leave us but she lived a full life. I think Siegfried and Roy treated her badly with the rumours and all, but you could see it in her eyes, the rejection everytime those Bum Bandits were on TV arse`n about. I could never see Bento turning on them like that tiger did"

Siegfried and Roy were not available for comment

Picture below Ice, Siegfried and Roy

Fatal Deviation - Ireland's First Martial Arts Movie

Ireland's first martial arts movie set in Trim, Co. Meath. This is now a classic. Watch it, love it, there is not one actual actor in the entire movie. All parts are played by locals.

The movie sales pitch was as follows:

"A young man played by James Bennett a kenpo karate martial artist returns home after ten years in reform school to find out who murdered his father.
He is befriended by an old monk and a local Irish beauty played by Nicole O’Sullivan. His search takes him to the prestigious bealtaine Martial Arts Tournament.

Together with his past the good guy is drawn into conflict with the local drug baron and his son.

The conflict makes the young man face his fathers death in an unusual way he had never imagined.

The action is explosive, the fight scenes are dynamic and the story is wonderful. One of the great things about the film is that one of the car rollovers which happens in the film was not suppose to happen at all but the stunt team got carried away and you will see a real wreck that nearly killed some of the actors."

Enjoy the entire movie below:

Part 1 of 8:




Part 2 of 8:



Part 3 of 8:



Part 4 of 8:



Part 5 of 8:



Part 6 of 8:



Part 7 of 8:



Part 8 of 8:



Outtakes/Credits:



** God Bless Ireland **

Dan! Dan! DAN!

What the F*%K??

I was screwing around on Google Earth today and decided to look up the town I grew up in in Ireland. I noticed that the local church that I attended for many years looks somewhat like a swastika!!

It would explain all those horrible things the priests said about the Jews (Just Kidding!!)

This is the same church from the ground.

Wendy Williams!!!!!!

Wow! I am so excited. The Wendy Williams Show is debuting on Fox tonight. She has a Truth Booth, leopard print coaches and pink walls. It's going to be awesome. The people at Fox promoting the show certainly think it is exciting. It must be a great show. She will talk about celebrities, important stuff like how to tell when "Yo man is cheaten", celebrities and also dishing out advice and stuff about celebrities and see if people tell lies in the Truth Booth.

Its great to see that TV has finally come to its senses. Its about time people woke up and started seeing shit like how it really it is. I'm so thrilled to see such a cultured articulated woman dealing with important issues that matter on TV. Its about time TV addressed the issue of portraying negative stereotypes for African Americans. The voice of the majority of the hard working, smart, respectable African Americans has been delivered in the form of Wendy Williams. I am looking forward to how different this show will be from all the others.

I also recommend that you read her book "Drama is Her Middle Name". She really says stuff like how it really is.